A couple of nights ago my infant awoke around 1:45 a.m. It started as just a whimper and as I continued to listen to the crying, I silently prayed that he would just fall back asleep.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and the crying grew louder, so I pulled my pillow over my head to muffle the noise. “Please go back to sleep,” I thought.
No luck. He quickly revved from zero-sixty, going from whimpers to that death-like scream that puts a baby on the verge of puking. I climbed out of my warm bed into our freezing bedroom, and wandered in a daze down the hall.
As I picked him up, he calmed down and snuggled into my neck, pleased that his efforts had paid off in getting someone older than him out of bed to comfort him. I know from experience that just getting him to calm down and then putting him back down won’t work. He has parent radar, and the moment we are separated he goes off like an alarm.
I have to admit that I am getting exhausted from these middle-of-the-night rendezvous, but tonight instead of forcing my will on my son, I walked downstairs with him and settled in for the long haul; just what I knew he wanted. I got one of our big snuggling blankets and sat down in the dark on the couch. He, of course, was wide awake but allowed me to snuggle him a bit before he popped his head up to find some mischief to get into.
Now, I really don’t want him to think that if he wakes up in the night that he can just get up and play—the nighttime is for sleeping. I spotted my I-pad within reaching distance and remembered another instance weeks ago when my husband had been up with our night owl. He said that he had sat and watched Mormon Messages with him for a bit until he tired.
I pulled up the website and immediately intrigued, London settled back into my arms. We watched the first video and the Spirit penetrated the living room. I continued onto another. As we watched together, my heart changed. I was no longer irritated that I was up at two a.m. I was instead grateful for a sweet moment to cuddle with my son, kiss his soft head and smell his baby smell. I tried to take a snapshot in my mind of the moment.
After a handful of short videos, I could see his eyes drooping. I walked him back upstairs, nursed him and lay him back in his crib. He reluctantly obliged and with a soft whimper, rolled over and went back to sleep.
As I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep, I reflected just a little on what had just happened. I thought about how often I go into a situation thinking about what I immediately want, or what I think is best-- like wanting to go back to bed and get some sleep immediately. However, when we take the time to slow down and listen to the promptings of the Spirit of God, we are led to even greater experiences that we could not anticipate from our limited view.
I am constantly guilty of building and ideal in my mind and being unwilling to waiver my expectation. I fight against anything in opposition to my ideal, but life usually has a way of winning whether I give in willingly or not. As I get older, I am finding that as I surrender my will to the Lord, not only do I forgo the struggle of losing my ideal, but also I find that outcomes are better than what I had planned.
To go right along with my ponderings this week, our Sunday school lesson had this quote by Ezra Taft Benson:
I will admit that there are times when I look around and think, “What am I doing here?” or “Why am I on this path?” Believe me, the military has thrown some curve balls (I have thought this about New Jersey more times than I would like to admit) that I have allowed to rob me of joy and caused me to really wonder if God is aware of me. But as I have pressed forward, it has always become clear that the Lord was not only helping me through my trials, but also guiding my steps through very intimate details.
I am hoping that as I head into this New Year that I will be able to listen more closely to the guidance of the Spirit and surrender more to the will of the Lord. I would really like to fight Him less and trust Him more because deep down I know He knows what is best.
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